You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
