i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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