I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
