He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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