how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
