I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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