I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
