if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
