I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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