happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
