when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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