I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I believe in your delicious
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
