just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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