How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
