Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
