we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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