Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
