And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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