you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
