i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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