I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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