I smell stomach acid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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