Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
