I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Blood and glitter go together right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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