Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize