New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
