see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
