Duck Duck Cougar?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
