Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
