I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i drank out of a bidet.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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