life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
