Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
