i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
