So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
