I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
