I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
