u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
