did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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