i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
