wake up i wanna do it froggy style
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
