I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
They have beer where we have blood.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
