im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
