He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
