Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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