He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A bitchslap is in order.
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