Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
