your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
