I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
