Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
