just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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