I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
