my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
