Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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