I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
