last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you inspire me to be a worse person
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
