Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need to get me chipped asap
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
