he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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