you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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