Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
