She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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