Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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